


We Didn’t Come This Far to Stop Now, (Because I'm Not Done With You Yet!)

by cgthreethousand



Series: We Didn’t Come This Far to Stop Now [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Abused Kids Are Affected by Said Abuse, Abusive Fugaku Uchiha, Androgynous Sasuke, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Everyone Needs A Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Long Haired Sasuke, M/M, Mental Instability, Naruto goes through horrible things as a kid, Other, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Alters, Sasuke has DID, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Uchiha Sasuke-centric, Uzumaki Naruto Has Panic Attacks, ninja verse, non-canon compliant, please don't flame me, sad ass shit, this story is not canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:48:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23660350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cgthreethousand/pseuds/cgthreethousand
Summary: Sasuke has blank holes in his memories like Swiss cheese. He keeps a variety of different clothes in his bag, some for women, some for men. He has nine people in his head and they are one of the few things in his life keeping him alive. Sasuke has wants and desires and too much baggage that he carries around. Sasuke has unanswered questions and bruises marring his bodies. Sasuke can't remember his mother's face.A Sasuke-centric story revolving around Dissociative Identity Disorder and how ninjas deal with mental illness. Or how they don't.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: We Didn’t Come This Far to Stop Now [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1703596
Comments: 6
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1: Blacking Out

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! It’s CGThreeThousand back and ready to give you another fic. Before we start I would like to give everyone a short little message. I do not have Dissociative Identity Disorder, nor do I intend to offend anyone with the content inside my story. If there is something wrong with the portrayal of DID or you have something to say, please email me or comment below. I originally was very unsure if I even wanted to write this story, knowing how sensitive the topic of DID is. I did, however, want to write this fic very badly and I decided, “Thou must do what the fuck they doest,” so I did it. 
> 
> Here are some things you need to know: 
> 
> 1\. Sasuke’s Sharingan allows him, (at times,) to close off the voices of his alters. Mind you, this is not how real life DID works, people are not able to just shut up their alters. (Or so I’ve read.) Please don’t use this story as a real-life interpretation of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Sasuke does have DID but his is affected by the fact that he is a person with chakra and a Sharingan.
> 
> 2\. People who are abused as children or suffer trauma as children are usually affected by said abuse or trauma. I know! Fucking crazy. So if a character in this story was neglected or shunned, (cough, cough Naruto,) then he or she will act like it. Mental illness does exist and I will not shy away from writing about it.
> 
> 3\. Again: I DO NOT HAVE Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do not claim to know what it is like and I also do not claim that I want it. The only thing I have is Maladaptive Daydreaming, and believe it or not, this story is a daydream that I just wrote down. It’s been playing out in my head for a while so I thought, “Methinks I shouldst write this shit down so I can get thou daydream…. the fuck out my brain so it will stop distracting me and eating up my time.”
> 
> 4\. Lastly, after this first chapter, I will be putting the personality description of an alter before every chapter so you won’t get confused. If another altar is in control I will write the name of the altar, since they are their own person. Now that I’m done, enjoy the chapter and please comment if there is something you have questions on or if you have something to say.
> 
> P.sthis is unbetaed so....

_Sasuke: Land of Water_

_  
__Tap, Tap, Tap._

_Tap, Tap, Tap._

Sasuke’s fingers moved over the desk in front of him repeatedly. The woman behind the desk smiled when she saw him and Sasuke attempted to look non-threatening in return. He didn’t succeed very well. He could tell by the way she quickly looked down like he committed some type of heinous act by attempting politeness. Sasuke couldn't prevent the grimace that was forming on his lips. His body ached in all places and he knew he was on the verge of passing out. He could feel blood trickling down his leg, and Sasuke prayed that the woman could take him to his room quickly. _Fifteen_ _minutes. Fifteen more minutes and they would take care of the body._

“How long will you be staying with us, Shi?”

Sasuke smirked in amusement, thinking of the expression on Shi’s face if he saw that Sasuke was using his name. Not that that would ever happen. Sasuke would use all his power to keep Shi out of the front. 

“A month. Maybe two,” he muttered, still lost in his thoughts. He adjusted the sunglasses on his face that hid Sharingan eyes. He could feel the ache of his head pounding in his ears. He hoped this town was as quiet as it seemed. 

He had been scouting this area for a while, seeing if it lived up to his accommodations. Sasuke knew he was getting close to the time where he couldn’t hold them off anymore. The Sharingan had limits and he was sure he had abused them to the fullest. It had been worth it though. The village had a children's playground a few miles away, a quiet river, and people who minded their damn business. It was hard to find places like that these days. Sasuke was a missing-nin, easily identifiable by his rebellious hair and red dojūtsu. He didn't need any more problems than he already had, just a quiet place to settle down.

And he had found it. His plan had worked. His plan had started out simple. Find a village. Hold the others back for a bit longer. Build up the courage to face Orochimaru. Leave the lair alive. Sasuke supposed he should’ve felt proud. He had been able to leave without as many injuries as he usually had when he did something Orochimaru disliked. He should've been relieved. But all he felt was the pain in his rectum and the bruises covering his legs and hips. Orochimaru never let them leave without a reminder. Without his brand of ownership.

“That’ll be...Do you have that?”

Sasuke looked at the woman in front of him and nodded. He fished out the money in his pockets and handed it to the desk lady. She smiled and motioned him to follow her. Vaguely Sasuke could hear Indra and Aiko in the inner world conversing with each other, a sign that his control was wavering. 

_“It’s important that when you're in charge of the body, that you eat your vegetables, Aiko,”_ said the deep male voice in his head that Sasuke knew very well to be Indra. 

_“You know I don’t like vegetawbles. They make me very sick and hurt my tummy. Candies are much better.”_ Aiko’s baby accent made the words sound a lot cuter than they were and Sasuke couldn’t resist the smirk that pulled at the edges of his mouth. 

_“Candies are what make you sick,” Indra reprimanded in a soft voice, “You eat them before every meal. In order for you to be strong, you must eat fruits and vegetables to stay healthy. Even though candies taste a lot better they won’t fill you up and they make the body feel sick.”_

Sasuke nodded to the woman in thanks and then entered the room. It was simple, containing a large bed and an adjourning kitchen. As Sasuke walked around, he noted that the bathroom was positioned away from the kitchen behind a plain white door and that kitchen was free of sharp objects. There was also a thick and soft carpet covering the floor, something he was relieved about because Zachary often tripped and banged his head on the floor when he was at the front. Everything was set up neatly and all the surfaces were cleaned. The room would be able to accommodate his needs. 

Nodding to himself, Sasuke walked back to the bed in the room and began unpacking the variety of clothes he packed. He attempted to do it fast, his body already succumbing to exhaustion after using the Sharingan to block out their voices for so long. Indra had warned that it would take its toll and it wasn’t natural to try and close them out. “ _We’re all here for a reason,"_ Indra had whispered to him the first day he'd attempted it. And Sasuke knew that, he knew it very well, but he needed control. It scared him, waking up with no idea where he was or how he had got there. Sasuke felt like a puppet on strings, like someone robbed him of all his choices, and sometimes he just wanted to make it stop.

Sometimes he just wanted...Sometimes he just…

“Stay at the front. Stay at the front. Eight more minutes. Eight more minutes,” he whispered quietly to himself. 

He unpacked the rest of their clothes, shoving them in drawers quickly. He placed Zachary’s glasses on the top of the dresser and bent down to unpack Aiko’s stuffed rabbit that Kyoto had bought her at some point. Pain lashed through him as he moved and Sasuke could feel his control over the Sharingan faltering. He needed to finish quickly. 

He headed to the bathroom and ripped off the sunglasses he wore, hearing them land somewhere on the floor. He stared in the mirror for only a second, before heading to the toilet where he sat down. His hands trembled as he pulled his pants down, the fabric pooling around his ankles. He pulled his underwear off and stared at the bloody tissues that lay inside them. Sasuke shook so hard at the sight, his hands trembling in front of him. He knew what Orochimaru did to his body, even if he didn’t have the memories of it. He knew he was defiled and dirty and vile, but it was always different seeing it…It was different witnessing...it was…

His Sharingan turned off and instantly he felt the other nine people in his head. The feeling of their presence was similar to a welcome.

_I got this, love. I’ll take care of it. You rest now. I got you. I’m here for you._

He receded into the inner world with Kyoto’s voice ringing in his head.

* * *

After the massacre, Sasuke was aware that many things were wrong with him. To the extent of how wrong, he did not know, but he knew something was not right with him. He supposed it had started shortly after the massacre. He had been in some type of interrogation room, surrounded by shinobi in black clothes. In front of him stood Ibiki, forever cutting an impressive figure. Sasuke remembered feeling a bit scared and out of control.

“What do you remember from the incident a few days ago?”

Sasuke had shrugged and decided to stare at the floor. Ibiki didn’t like that. He didn’t know how he could tell, but the man was itching for information. Sasuke scowled. He wouldn’t give it to them. Sasuke would take it to the grave. He would keep it all inside, even if it killed him. 

“Was there anyone there you recognized? Do you remember someone? Was your brother there?”

Sasuke pulled his knees against his chest and began to rock. Ibiki kept questioning him, kept talking, but he couldn’t really hear it. He had lost his whole family, all his aunts, and uncles, his mother and father. All the people he cared about, all the people who mattered to him were gone. It was all his fault! He had been too weak, too pathetic to fight against **_him._ ** Sasuke was never strong enough and now his whole family was gone. He dug his fingernails in his arm, trying to punish himself for being weak, for surviving. His father wasn't here anymore to do it to him so he did it himself. He deserved pain for _this._ For being **_spared._ **He rocked himself in earnest now, slowly becoming more and more anxious as Ibiki began to ask more questions. 

Why were they asking him these? Why did they want to know? What was he going to tell them? He didn't remember...

What was he…How was he…Didn’t they….

Sasuke felt himself slowly relax and his nervousness faded. For a second his vision blurred and focused before blurring again. Sasuke had only a second to panic before he blacked out.

* * *

When he woke he was disoriented with no idea where he was. It took him a minute, but he slowly recognized the place as the apartment he was moved into. 

The apartment was shit, provided by the Third shortly after the massacre. Sasuke had only just moved in when Ibiki came by to interrogate him on the knowledge he had. But as Sasuke looked around he could barely tell that that was the case.

There were clothes hung up in an open closet, all organized by the lightest to darkest. They hung from hangers he had never seen before, brown and wooden and sturdy. As he explored more he began to realize that the apartment appeared to be well organized despite him having no memory of unpacking his stuff. 

On his nightstand, a red alarm clock rested casually next to a glass of water. In the kitchen, the counters were completely clear of dust, a cutting board with sliced vegetables being the only thing to disturb the cleanliness. There were stools too, all different from each other. Sasuke curiously sat on one and immediately regretted it when the stool gave a very disturbing _creaakaaack sound._ Deciding to further explore the kitchen, he walked over to the refrigerator and opened it. Inside lay a few vegetables, various meats Sasuke didn’t know how to cook, and multiple cartons of flavored milk. 

He grabbed one, ready to pour himself some when a voice inside his mind warned against it. The voice was very deep and distinctively male, possessing a knowing quality to its words. Sasuke put the milk back inside the fridge, deciding to follow what he thought was his instincts.

_Grab that meat right there. The one with the blue label. That's pork belly._

Sasuke reached out to grab the meat and set it on the counter. The voice, (which he automatically assumed to be his inner voice,) told him exactly how to prepare the meat and season it and how to pair it with rice and vegetables he cooked. Eventually, Sasuke completely forgot about the mystery of his lived-in apartment and the blank spaces in his memories.

Only when he looked outside his window before bed, did he realize that it was no longer cold as he remembered, and that the trees bloomed flowers and green leaves when they were once bare. He stood up and walked to the calendar that was nailed to the wall, looking at the date and paling in horror. When he had been interrogated by Ibiki, Fall was just ending, bringing in harsh weather and thicker clothes. It was December, the month where him and his family celebrated and were together. The only month where his father spared a glance at him. 

_That can’t be right… It’s impossible. It was just winter. I remember the cold._

But the calendar was marked on the month of February and the trees had green leaves and flowers and this wouldn’t be the first time some chunk of memory was missing from Sasuke's head.

Sasuke trembled for a while, still trying to process what he was seeing before he heard the familiar deep voice inside his head.

_Go to bed._

He did just that, slipping under the covers and going to sleep.

* * *

When he woke up, he could barely recall what he was worried about.

* * *


	2. Piece of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More on Sasuke's confusing life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commmmmmennt. (This chapter took long because i just figured out howto put images in) so yeah...

**I borrowed the idea from** **_In Good Company_ ** **that the villages had different languages and dialects. In my story people from the North have an accent that is modeled off the Russian-English accent.**

* * *

**Alter Name: Indra**

**Age: 40 or 45 but appears to be in his late 20s**

**Appearance: Has the black eyes and black hair of Sasuke’s clan and remains young looking. Looks South East Asian, particularly a darker skinned Japanese person. Wide eyes that narrow in suspicion when people are deceptive. High cheekbones and strong shoulders.**

**Personality And History: He is extremely calm at all times and doesn’t get riled up easy. He is the protector and came shortly after the massacre. He keeps everything in order and usually speaks softly. He dislikes raising his voice. He is a ninja. Most of the time he keeps everything in control and does not do anything drastic when at the front. His chakra is a dark blue and feels gentle. He specializes in genjutsu.**

**Trigger: Repetitive loud noises or angry arguing. Extreme feelings of anxiousness. Dark rooms. Feeling cornered.**

* * *

Kyoto pulls the bloody tissues from the boxers Sasuke decided to put on. She had lived long enough to confidently say she was used to the pain by now. Kyoto pulls off the black turtleneck Sasuke had dressed the body in and throws it on the floor. She doesn’t tremble as she looks in the mirror, the bruises standing out harshly against the body’s pale skin. Some are fresh, pink and painful while others are dark purple. They decorate the body’s legs and hips, accompanying the hickies on their neck.

She runs her hand over those now, feeling the bite marks and sensitive flesh. A pained smile blossoms on her lips, and for a second she could imagine that she had her blue hair and brown skin marked with hickies— made from love and not from rape—all over her neck. Her fingers trace over them now, wishing they had the power to make the ugly things go away. She was brought back in reality as she heard a door slamming shut, most likely from the other room. Kyoto grumbles her complaints under her breath and tries to calm her racing heart. Sasuke has such a shitty taste in hotels. She would have to scold him for it the next time she saw him.

She looks around staring at the clothes and bloody tissue scattered all over the floor. Kyoto rolls her eyes, thinking of Indra’s obsessive needs to be clean and organized all the time. Their home in the inner world, had a list of chores in the doorway. Everyone who lives in the compound has to complete their chores or face the full weight of Indra’s disappointment. _Mop and sweep the floor,_ Indra always writes for. She does it anyway, for her own sake, because if she didn’t their house would be buried in dirt within two weeks. (Kyoto also likes to see Indra’s face quirk up into that sexy grin of his. That man was too fine for his own good.) She had actually been mopping the floors—something that apparently no one in the fucking house could do based on the sticky patches covering the floor, gross —when she was pulled to the front. 

Before that she had been thinking about the conversation she and Sasuke had a few weeks ago in the inner world, in which they both had experienced lots of emotional turmoil. It had been bugging Kyoto, especially since she had no idea when she’d see Sasuke again. He was rarely in the inner world.

* * *

**_Sasuke and Kyoto Conversation a Few Weeks Ago In The Inner World..._ **

_They had been seated across from each other, sitting on cushioned mats. It was sunny that day, the warmness seeping into her skin and making her feel safe. Orochimaru’s lair was cold and dark. Kyoto hated that. She enjoyed what the Sun did for her skin, darkening it and warming it to it’s beautiful caramel shade. Sasuke had sat across from her with a rigid posture, back so straight it had to be painful. His expression was blank, a common look for him since he had joined Orochimaru._

_Kyoto never held herself with rigidness. It was dangerous to appear that way in front of Orochimaru. She instead kept her body language inviting, the silk of her robe falling away to reveal her shoulder, her lips always quirked up in enjoyment. (Kyoto knew she looked damn good that way which is why she did it so often.) She had a cigarette that day, inhaling the smoke and exhaling as Sasuke began to tell her about his discoveries in his recent outings. Kyoto was more concerned on how the fact that Sasuke had locked them out for two fucking months. Two months in which the inner world was covered in a familiar red haze and the world was dark, one month in which Indra and Kyoto brainstormed trying to figure out what was happening, and a whole week in which Kyoto had thought of multiple ways to mutilate Sasuke when she figured out what he’d done. But she would let her_ **_malyshka_ ** _talk. Kyoto had manners._

_“I found a few scrolls a bit outside Otogakure. They were shinobi records, the type of shit Orochimaru likes to file away in case he needs information. One of the files spoke on this. About the things we experience,” he says, his low voice filling up the whole room._

_“You find scroll in Oto and think this person has experience like ours?” She snorts and inhales the smoke from her cigarette, enjoying the buzz it gives her. She needed to relax before she got into it with Sasuke. “Alright. Tell.”_

_“A man. 24 years old. His name was Akito Sakamoto, born sometime during the inauguration of the first Raikage. He was reported to have large chunks of his memories missing, and turned in several reports with different handwriting. The people around him said sometimes he had the ability to speak in Southern tongue despite the fact he had never traveled out the Kumogakure. He had several children and they all reported that sometimes he acted differently than he usually would. Extreme mood swings and stuff.”_

_“And,” she asks, already tired of Sasuke’s findings._

_“And,” he repeats, jaw clenching in anger. Kyoto takes another hit from her cigarette._

_“Ninja go crazy all time. They leave. They kill. They break. They come home. Nothing strange. You obsess over this for no reason. Why look for the truth? What’s wrong with this?”_

_She can see the frustration bubbling underneath the blank face Sasuke wears constantly. That doesn’t stop her from pushing._

_“You search and search, for what?? Answer? You find none anywhere. You don’t need any. We are family. We take care of you. But you lock us out. You always lock us out. Just stop!!”_

_Kyoto can hear Sasuke's harsh breathing from where she’s sitting. His hands are clasped tightly together, slowly turning red. It’s the only thing that gives away his anger. (A part of her is glad. Sometimes Kyoto thinks Sasuke is only capable of feeling revenge.)_

_“I search because if I don’t I’ll be driven fucking insane!” He jerks violently in his chair, his voice rising as he continues to talk. “I’m always missing time, never knowing where I am or how long I’ve been out. How can I search for Itachi when I can’t even remember where I was a month ago. So I’ve been searching for answer and you’ve just been—”_

_He abruptly stops and looks down at himself. While he’d been yelling he was leaning towards her, teeth bared and fists clenched. She takes a deep inhale when she sees the way Sasuke puts on his blank mask again, punishing himself for feeling, every emotion seeping out of his body language until Kyoto feels like she is staring at a puppet. (It seems that when she tries to understand Sasuke he adds more and more distance. It makes her feel as if they’d never been close in the first place.) She can feel the anger stirring in her gut, tired of dealing with Sasuke’s constant emotional withdrawals._

_When he speaks again his voice is quiet and devoid of emotion. “I don’t even know why I try to ever seek approval from you,” he mutters and gets up from the table. “You never fucking listen, never care what I have to say. I’m trying to fucking figure this out while all of you sit on your asses.”_

_He’s walking to his room, his back to her, the universal sign that he’s done talking. But Kyoto is mad and she won’t let Sasuke just leave without speaking her mind. They need to talk, have a heart-to heart. And also Kyoto kinda wants to kick his ass, but the urge to talk honestly overrides her violent feelings. (When’s the last time her and Sasuke talked to each other without arguing? When had Sasuke put a wall between them?) She puts out her cigarette in a nearby ashtray and stares him down. Like hell he’ll walk away from her._

_“Put your_ **_zhopa_ ** _in chair and shut up.”_

_Sasuke stops walking._

_“Now!”_

_His back becomes rigid for a second before he returns to his chair, his expression still completely wiped of any emotion. Kyoto prefers Sasuke’s anger. That way he won’t look at her like he’s some robot who’s completely detached from the situation, (like he couldn’t care less that their family)._

_“Look at me,” she demands, because Kyoto needs to look in his eyes and know nothing drastic has changed between them._

_“I am looking at you,” he replies. If he hadn’t spoken Kyoto would have thought he was lifeless._

_“No you do not look at me. Your eyes look but you, Sasuke, are somewhere else. Your mouth move but those are not your words that come out. I need you to be with me, Sasuke. Do not reject me,_ **_lyubit_ ** _. You know me. You are safe.”_

_She held his gaze strongly, refusing to look away from him or back down. They sat there staring at each other for a minute before Sasuke looked away, his gaze staying on her feet. His whole posture slumped back in the chair and Kyoto watched in rapt attention as he lifted his fingers to plug them in one of his ears. (It was a nervous tick that he had long ago dropped, afraid to reveal weakness—)_

_Kyoto walked over and stood in front of him. She stood that way for a while listening to Sasuke breathing, hearing it as it got rougher and rougher. She didn’t flinch when his hands curled into fists on his lap. She didn’t move when the tears started falling, so big and wet that they were making little pools on the floor. (Kyoto wanted for Sasuke to stop crying, for all of them to stop crying because it was so hard. So hard to just_ **_live_ ** _—)_

_He pulled his gaze from her feet and looked at her._

_And Kyoto moved this time, her arms wrapping around him, pulling his face to her chest and cradling him, holding him like he was a little boy again._ _She stood and rocked him in her arms and his arms wrapped around her waist and held her for dear life. (Kyoto was so afraid of what she saw in his eyes, so afraid of the sadness and hopelessness they held despite the fact that he has only lived sixteen years.) Her fingers ran through his hair, as he breathes deeply into her chest, the few tears he sheds seeping through the fabric of her dress. When Sasuke cries he is always silent. (Kyoto sometimes wonders what happened to him that gave him the ability to fold all his emotions away until he could pretend they didn’t exist.)_

 _“You know your my_ **_malyshka, da_ ** _,” she whispered, planting bunches of kisses in his hair. He nodded his head where it was buried in her chest and Kyoto didn’t even have it in her to whoop his ass like she had wanted to before._

_“But sometimes you does stupid things, you know? We are family, we stay together. Even when things out there are no good, things here must stay same.”_

_He had stopped crying now, his breathing returning back to normal. They stay entwined though, his arms still clutching her and her fingers still holding on to his hair. (When had he grown so fast?)_

_“You can’t just lock us out with magical eye power,” she muttered into his hair. Sasuke made a sound that sounded suspiciously like a laugh, and she whacked him upside the head, shutting him up effectively._

_“That hurt,” he complained, rubbing the back of his head as he leaned away from her. He stood up from his chair, his face once more emotionless like he hadn’t just cried in his arms. Kyoto wasn’t bothered. This was Sasuke._

_“I was serious. Lock us out with magical eye powers is not good decision to the task.”_

_“Solution to the problem,” he corrected._

_Kyoto continued as if she had never heard him. “We are here for reason. I am here for reason. I protect you,” she said, poking him in his chest._

_(She protected him even when it hurt, even when she wished for the Sun while she was stuck underground, even when she lay with a man who enjoyed her struggling while he raped her. Even when—)_

_Kyoto poked Sasuke’s chest again and this time he takes her seriously, his eyes hardening and his emotionless façade back on. She still goes in for a hug despite the fact that he is robotic Sasuke again. He hugs her back._

* * *

Kyoto smiles at the memory and decides to step into the shower. The water is warm against her skin and she sighs in relief. When was the last time she had a shower in the body? Kyoto hadn’t been in the front in awhile, the last time ending in their legs and face bruised and rectum bleeding. The only times she was brought to the front were when she was to be subjected to Orochimaru’s touch and salacious want. Kyoto’s memories consisted of him, her eyes catching every change in his body language, every aspect of his moods. She could practically feel his anger and frustration sometimes, waves of it rolling off on him, carefully concealed under a fake smile and layers of makeup. Orochimaru was very much unlike a snake when it came to his mannerisms, because he liked to play with his prey, feeling the need to make them feel comfortable then sinking his fangs in your limbs. Kyoto oftentimes found herself frightened from that barely restrained anger, because it seemed to sit there underneath his skin, until he could find some way to get rid of some of it. His only reprieve was taking it out on her. She took it in silence and put on her sultry smile afterwards. 

(She’s one of the few people who know how much a smile can truly hide—)

Kyoto turns the water off. 

She searches for a towel under the sink and finds several neatly folded. She grabs the one in the middle, not giving a fuck when the towels fall everywhere. She has bigger things to worry about.

She exits the bathroom and then tries to find out where they are. The room is a decent size, big enough so it fit all their needs. Kyoto thinks it smells a bit strongly of cabbage and mothballs, but she wasn’t going to complain. (She hadn't been loving the underground so much, with its dark and oppressive atmosphere and lack of non-human life forms.) She walks towards a window that’s positioned above the bed and pulls back the distasteful curtains covering it, attempting to get a look outside and take in the surroundings. Her eyes close at first, unused to the harsh sun and warmth. When she opens them she can finally drink in her surroundings. They appeared to be in a small village, a large lake sitting near everything, and cottages and stores scattered around randomly. All of them were built from wood, looking as if they’d collapse any second, blow away with the slightest hint of wind. The few people she saw walking looked tired and malnourished, reminding her too closely of Zachary. She swiveled her head more to the right, being able to see more poorly built houses and a few merchant stalls.There were trees somewhere in the distance, and seemingly few things to do. Kyoto sighed in longing. This place looked boring as fuck.

“When in doubt, look in notebook,” she mumbles to herself. Her accent is even thicker than usual and she is glad Indra isn’t there to hear it. He would make fun of her.

She finds the notebook on the floor by the dresser, having to bend over to retrieve it. There is a bit of pain when she moves but Kyoto is used to having pain all over the body. It would be strange if she didn’t. It doesn’t stop her from dancing and laughing, and embracing herself. It just makes it harder. 

Her hands run over the cover as a way to comfort herself, reminding her that something familiar is close. The book is one out of the four journals they purchased, possessing a pink leather cover with lollipop sticker on top of it. Aiko had picked it out, deciding to take the task of picking a new journal among herself. Shortly after, they all regretted having Aiko at the front for quite some time, because having a four year old walking around in the body posed too much trouble when one of them took over at the front.

While most of them tried to remain under radar, Aiko was the exact opposite, preferring to sing her favorite song in public and paint her nails with pink nail polish. She was a happy child, her eyes filled with wonder and admiration for the world around her. She had very odd habits however, such as sitting in a chair with her legs pressed to her chest and using the body as her own personal canvas. At one point she had even started drawing smiley faces up and down the body’s face and neck, a weird looking sight because the body had a major resting bitch face, (something Kyoto had tried to correct but it seemed that they’re face was physically incapable of smiling.) 

Sighing in an attempt to clear her thoughts, Kyoto began flipping to the notebooks latest entries. The first recent entry was from Izanagi, and was filled with snark and plenty of curse words. Kyoto frowned in disappointment at the amount of them. She had told that pig-headed boy to stop cursing before the children caught on. Despite the curse words, Kyoto was able to gather a bit of information from the entry, but of course not a lot, since Izanagi was never too detailed with his entries.  
  


Kyoto considered ripping out the whole page, not wanting anyone to be triggered to the front by the word pedophile or the vile language. The last thing she needed was a stressful switch, especially when the body was as injured as it was. She had told Izanagi clearly to Not Write Dumb Insensitive Shit in the notebook. Kyoto vowed that the next time she saw Izanagi she would smack him upside the head. That boy never said anything of importance in his entries and because of that she still had no idea where they were, what day it was, or what state Sasuke had left the lair in. His entries were always weird, out of order, and included some divine truth.

“ _Blin,”_ she cursed in her native tounge. She would have to hope Indra filled out a more detailed entry. As she turned the pages, (contemplating all the ways she could strangle Izanagi when she returned to the inner world,) she had found that her prayers had been answered, because Indra’s beautiful calligraphy stood out greatly on the page. She traced his loopy words with a fondness, allowing herself a single moment of peace. (She has a hard time reading the fancy writing sometimes but Izanagi, who was surprisingly patient when it came to her, taught her how to read them.) Izanagi’s words still rung through her head, and even though he was hotheaded and sometimes vague, he did have a certain inkling for these things. Izanagi’s predictions almost always kept them safe and Kyoto would not give up faith in them yet. If he told her to listen to the trees she would keep her ears open. Kyoto hoped Indra’s entry would give her more insight on what had happened before Sasuke had left.

Kyoto frowned in confusion at some of the words. Aaye-sees-ment? Tailing them? None of them had tails. Izanagi had wings and strange features, since he was one of the few of them who was not human, but he had no tail. (And  _ andragonous?  _ What did Orochimaru have to do with dragons?) Kyoto would have to ask Indra about some of the words he used later. She did however get that Orochimaru was very pissed off and may very well be looking for the body. Kyoto didn’t know how long she could be at the front. She possessed no chakra and knew very little about self defense. The most she could do was gather information and hope that Indra and Izanagi fronted soon. 

  
  


Kyoto turned the page for more entries but after Indra’s, there were no more. His handwriting had become a bit messier at the end and less coordinated, which meant he had probably been pushed out the front by one of the others. There were no other entries, however, which pissed Kyoto off more, because at the front of the fucking book it was explained very clearly that everyone at the front needed to write in it every day.

Kyoto knew it would do no good to get herself worked up over it, so she closed the book and took a deep sigh. 

” _Mne nuzhna vodka_ ,” she muttered to herself as she tore her attention away from the book and towards the bed. She stared at it for a while, taking in the surprisingly fluffy sheets and a seemingly endless amount of pillows, that she would most likely find herself accidentally humping in the middle of the night. The body was obviously exhausted, Kyoto could hardly keep her eyes open. Before she knew it she was underneath the comforter, pillows surrounding her on all sides, like they’d planned some kind of snuggle formation around her. 

Kyoto was asleep before she knew it.

* * *

**_17 miles away in a large forest..._ **

Naruto was rocking a pleasant buzz, the world around him hazy and unthreatening. He knew he should probably stop drinking since the branches on the trees weren’t as strong as the ones in Konoha and Kakashi and Sakura were a lot further ahead and they were on a mission but…(hefeelstrappedandsadandheneedshelp.) He takes another swig of the liquor from his canteen, a special blend he had learned how to make when he was traveling with Jiraiya. Naruto had found earlier on that making a cocktail with 100% alcohol and no mixers, made for a quiet night with no inhibitions, no ghosts around the corner, and definitely no memory of the day before or the day before that or even last week when he’d stood in front of the apartment he had left three years ago, and clutched his heart hard and tried to BREATHE because he couldn’t fucking understand why he couldn’t just do something simple.

The apartment was the exact same, with its generic coloring and worn welcome mat that only he had walked over and—

—Hehadbeensoaloneandnoonecared. Soalonesoalone. And he didn’t think he could have opened that door and handle seeing himself in oversized clothes and the pair of goggles he stole from the vendor, and the bruises from the times shop owners beat him so hard he could barely see straight because he wasamonsterand—-

Naruto took another sip and another because a buzz wasn’t enough sometimes to make it all go away. He needed to forget, he needed to smile, to make Kakashi sensei laugh and Sakura-chan scold him, he needed…

Naruto missed a branch.

The effect was spontaneous. Before he knew it he was heading towards the ground, his last-minute reflexes prevented him from landing on his head, but hard on his ass—shit he wouldn’t be moving for a while.

“Fuuuuuuck,” he groans as the ache in his ass intensifies when he tries to get up. They wouldn’t be able to make it the checkpoint at this rate. Naruto looked around and almost jumped out his skins when he realized Kakashi sensei was right next to him. Gods, was he really that drunk?? 

“We were gonna stop to rest anyway,” Kakashi tells him softly as if not to startle him, “Go ahead and set up. Sakura and I can take care of everything else.” 

That of course led to Sakura mumbling and grumbling while she set up the tents. Naruto shot her an apologetic look which served to only make her more annoyed. 

“Your such a fucking klutz,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

“Sorry,” he muttered in apology. “You’ll heal my ass though right?”

Sakura shot him a dark glare. Naruto decided to walk away before he became a victim to her violence. He glanced around wondering what to do, the alcohol in his system making his head spin and stomach gurgle. Before he knew it he was lying flat on his back, staring up at the now dark sky, in a clearing he had walked too. The sky seemed to be even more magnificent than ever, the stars twinkling and the moon whole and round. He looked up at the darkening sky and watched as they stayed in place, forever shining and bright. Naruto wondered if they ever went out. 

The more he stared the blurry his vision got, his eyes attempting to focus on the sky while his drunken brain attempted to bring memories from long ago. He fought to stay awake but eventually, he was swept away in his memory.

He could blurrily see the small blank room of the orphanage that he used to live in. He smelt the stale musk of the room and that hint of jasmine and citrus she wore. He heard her voice, motherly and affectionate, but sad almost as if she was mourning all the time when she was with him.

She turned to him in the memory, her face smiling but her eyes so full of sadness. He stared at her for awhile, wanting to keep looking at her face before she disappeared again to that private place inside of himself. It took a minute for him to realize that she was pointing out the window to the night sky filled with twinkling stars. 

_“If you keep reaching high enough, Naruto” she whispered, her voice pulling the very breath out of his body, “one of these days the stars will mistake you for one of their own and take you with them. And then when they do… ”_

_She stared at him for a long time, the corners of her mouth twisting up before she turned away. “I’ll be the first one down here who gets to see you up there lighting up the world for everyone. Wouldn’t that be nice?”_

_When she turned towards him now her smile was gone and her eyes were dead and hollow, full of sorrow. He wanted to help her, he attempted to reach out, but he couldn't move his arms or speak. He could only watch as her smile faded the more she looked outside..._

* * *

Naruto’s eyes shot up open, his body moving off the ground quick, the whispers of his past washing over him in waves. His breathing was fast and quick and panic was quickly replacing the drunken haze he’d had gotten himself in. He attempted to stand up but could balance enough and ended up back on the ground. Resigning himself to his fate, he had his panic attack on the ground, his breath wheezing out past his lips and his hand clutched to his chest where his heart seemed to want to jump out his chest. 

He attempted to calm down again, but her eyes flashed before him, hollow and dead like she all the life taken from her. Shewasgonegonegone and he was alonealonealonealone—

 **“Breathe cub. Listen to my voice and breath with me,”** a familiar voice in his mind whispered. 

Naruto latched onto Kurama’s voice like an anchor, feeling the deep timbre of hit vibrate through his whole. He listened to the fox’s voice as he attempted to guide him through his panic. 

**“It’s just me and you. That was just a nightmare. She’s long gone, Naruto. Up in the stars and deep within the Earth she admired. She’d frown at you if she saw how much of a crybaby you are.”**

Naruto’s breathing began to calm down and his heart rate slowed. He tried to laugh at Kurama’s joke but it came out stiff and stilted. He hoped she’d never see how pathetic he had become. He resented how she’d disappear out of his life so quickly. 

Naruto resented that he couldn’t join her. 

_“When did you become so soft,”_ he tried to joke, but instead it came off weakly. 

He heard Kurama sigh deeply before he spoke. **“When you’d finally realized that nothing you could do could ever really change it.”**

Naruto was tempted to ask what ‘it’ was but he had a feeling he would not like the answer. He slowly began making his way back to their campsite, praying he did not disturb anyone. He was with his team and had returned home. And yet somehow still he felt as if every part of him was hollowed out, his feelings more bitter and damaged than he could have ever imagined. His smiles were practically painful. Naruto could no longer put on one convincing enough just to appease the few people in his life. 

And the one person who might be able to make him, to not make him feel so alone, had run away far from him. 

Naruto wished Sasuke could come back and return the piece of himself he’s taken with him.

It hurt to realize the type of person he was without it. 


End file.
